


Connections

by AnotherFan (imagine_asagao)



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Kinda artsy, Multi, Other, Past Relationship(s), Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 12:23:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20930171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imagine_asagao/pseuds/AnotherFan
Summary: In which I explore my feelings and try to sort them out through an imaginary scenario as well as an explanation of who each person is and who they were to me in order to try to figure out who they are to me.Nothing is too specific, everyone's names are changed, and it could probably have been alternately written as poetry if that gives you any indication of the style





	Connections

Okay, so you may be thinking that this is just another  _ To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before  _ story. And okay, you may partially be right. But this isn’t about me writing love letters to boys I barely interact with. Actually, there will be no boys in this story. This is an exploration into what I would do if I got a text from everyone I have had a substantial crush on asking me on a date and what I would say, but most importantly, this is an exploration into my feelings and what I feel. So I guess let’s start with the first person I dated and go from there.

I’m lying on my bed but my knees are bent so I can prop my laptop on my legs and type. My phone is lying next to me with the sound on. It buzzes, so I check it. The text from Finley reads “I had lots of fun today. Would you like to go on an actual date?” I think about the fun we had today filming a project and our dynamic. But then I think about if I would like to date them again. And I would decline that date.

Finley and I dated for most of tenth grade but then broke up over the summer. We kind of stayed friends, dipping in and out of contact. Then I went off to college, and we talked more and our connection became stronger, but it was all strictly platonic. As cool as they are, all my feelings towards them are platonic.

I’m lying on my bed but my knees are bent so I can prop my laptop on my legs and type. My phone is lying next to me with the sound on. It buzzes, so I check it. The text from Mars reads “Now that I’m away from my family, I’m ready to try this again. Would you like to go on a date with me?” If I had gotten this text a year ago or even a few months ago, I would’ve immediately replied “yes” but as it is, I take a few seconds to respond. I think about the time we spent together and scroll through the pictures of us, and I remember how my best friend said I would light up while talking about them and how I smiled for a week after they asked me to prom. Even going through the photos of our past, just now, I have a faint smile. I stare up at the ceiling, hands resting forcefully on my head as I think of what my answer would be. I honestly have no clue how I’d respond.

Mars and I dated for part of eleventh grade. They asked me to prom, but we didn’t end up going because their mother didn’t want “her daughter” going to prom with their girlfriend. At the end of our relationship, things were strained, mostly because of their mother and how horrible she was but also because of the stress at school. We haven’t seen each other in person since then, but we have texted each other. It’s always me initiating it, and often me driving it, but they always seemed interested in talking to me. It’s unlikely they’ll ask me out. They’re at college now and will probably find someone they like better and more importantly someone who would not remind them of any memories with their mother.

I’m lying on my bed but my knees are bent so I can prop my laptop on my legs and type. My phone is lying next to me with the sound on. It buzzes, so I check it. The text from Ann reads “Now that I’m settled in at school, do you want to try dating again?” I do an assessment in my head of whether it’s worth the risk or not. I probably end up replying “yes”.

Ann and I met at camp, where we both worked this summer. During the first week, we stayed in the same cabin and would stay up late talking and developed crushes on each other, but we didn’t reveal them until after I left for the month. We then waited a month to be reunited, but she told me that she wasn’t in the right place for a long-term relationship. We stayed friends and fought through the awkwardness, but one night, the floodgates opened, and we discussed our relationship. She said she wanted to try but didn’t want to end up hurting me. I suggested that we try dating for a month and then reevaluate where we are, no hard feelings if it didn't work out. At the end of the month, she again told me that she wasn’t in the right place for a long-term relationship. We still talk, just not as much as we did.

I’m lying on my bed but my knees are bent so I can prop my laptop on my legs and type. My phone is lying next to me with the sound on. It buzzes, so I check it. The text from Paige reads “I know we haven’t spoken too much, but would you want to go on a date?” A new opportunity, a new way to explore feelings for a new person. Someone I have been crushing on. It doesn’t take me too long to reply “yes”.

Paige and I are in a few of the same classes as well as the same dorm, and while we both know each other’s names, we aren’t yet friends. I would like for that to change, even if we don’t date. She’s the only one here I haven’t yet gone on a date with. I guess that’s why she’s the only immediate yes; I haven’t had my heart broken by her yet.

I guess my biggest takeaway here is that I crave connection but don’t want my heart broken. And while feelings do change over time, the memory of what they used to be lingers, which makes it hard to analyze your current feelings. I’m trying to figure mine out, and I’m trying to keep each person separate, focusing on “What do I feel towards each person” instead of “Who do I like” but I still have no clue. Some things are easier to know than others. Everyone I’ve mentioned are all great people and I am happy to be their friend. But who do I actually have romantic feelings towards and how many people is it just romantic memories and how many people is it just loneliness?


End file.
